The art of apologizing is something that has to be learned. We tend to assume that apologizing is an act that everyone just naturally knows how to do. And I suppose in every day, little mishaps, the simple but sincere “I’m sorry” is sufficient to cover matters. But in most matters bigger than minor, household accidents, something more is required.
Apologies are all about maintaining good relationships with other people. The main purpose of an apology is the healing of a relationship that has been injured or even broken. Without a genuine apology, true and deep reconciliation is impossible. God has told us that he wants us to love one another, to accept one another, to be reconciled to one another. (John 13:34-35; Romans 12:10; Romans 15:7; Ephesians 2:14-18; 1 John 4:10-11) Being reconciled with one another is not an option for Christian people.
One sign of the difficulty we have with apologizing can be seen in the way modern politicians and public figures attempt to make public apologies. They have become quite fond of framing their statements in a grammatical construction called the Passive Voice. For those of you who don’t remember the English grammar lessons from your school days, I’ll remind you that the passive voice is a type of sentence structure that often does not directly identify the subject of the sentence, that is the person who is doing or has done the action described in the sentence.
A passive voice apology looks something like this. “After months of accusations of unethical conduct, the congressman issued this statement, ‘I want to apologize to all my loyal supporters. Mistakes were made, and I deeply regret any pain or embarrassment that may have resulted.’” In a statement like this one, we have something that looks a lot like an apology but that lacks some of the elements that are necessary for a statement to be a genuine apology. It is like a piece of silver-plated cardboard. If you find it in your attic, you might think you have discovered a valuable piece of precious metal. But when you pick it up, you realize again that appearances can be deceiving.
There are at least four elements that an apology must have if it is to be a genuine, personal apology:
First, the apology really should address some particular thing that you did or said. For an apology to be really powerful for healing a relationship, it needs to be specific. You can see in the “mistakes were made” apology above that no mention is made of the specific “mistakes” that were made. Specifically naming the offense for which we are apologizing, shows that we have thought seriously about our behavior and have recognized the particular nature of our offense. When we are vague about the offense that we are apologizing for, it is most often because we are trying to avoid taking responsibility for doing the wrong thing or failing to do the right thing.
If we are apologizing for a pattern of behavior that has gone on over time, then we should still mention some particular examples of that behavior to show that we really do understand what we have done wrong. Someone might say to us, “Look, I can see that I’ve somehow hurt your feelings. So, let me just say that I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done to offend you. Now, can we just drop it?” That kind of vague apology suggests to us that the person doesn’t really know what they’ve done wrong, doesn’t really care about you, hasn’t thought much about the matter, and is mainly interested in getting you out of their hair. So, when you apologize, think about the matter seriously and then be specific.
Second, when you apologize for something, acknowledge and accept your own personal responsibility for the specific behavior that was wrong. This is the point at which the “mistakes were made” sort of apologies fail most miserably. When I hear some public person say to a group of reporters, “Mistakes were made,” I want to shout, “By whom? Who is responsible? Who made these mistakes?” “I have made a terrible mistake” is an apology. “Mistakes were made” is an attempt to weasel out of responsibility for your own actions. This is a matter of integrity, maturity, and love.
Third, a good apology should show that you understand how your words or actions have affected the injured party. “I can understand how hurt you must have felt when I said that.” Such a statement goes a long way toward reconnecting you with the person whom you have hurt. You step into their shoes and say in effect, “I care about you; I care about how you feel; I want to understand you.” These are healing sentiments, just the sort of things Christian people need to be affirming toward others.
Our apology will fail to reconcile us to the person we’ve hurt if we neglect this important affirmation of the injured person’s feelings. To say or even suggest that the person really shouldn’t be feeling hurt makes your attempt to apologize pretty much meaningless and will undermine any real healing and reconciliation.
Certainly, there will be times when we simply cannot quite understand why a person is hurt or offended by what we have said or done, but even then we can still acknowledge that we care. We can say, “I must confess that I don’t entirely understand why my words hurt your feelings. But I can see that I clearly did hurt your feelings, and I am very sorry to have done that. That was certainly not my intention at all. Please forgive me.”
Fourth, a good apology, one that is aiming at reconciliation with the other person, should ask for forgiveness. But read carefully because this point is important. Forgiveness is a gift that can only be given freely. The guilty party has no right and is in no position to demand forgiveness or try to guilt the injured party into forgiving. When asking for forgiveness, we can only ask as a beggar asking for alms. Forgiveness is not something we can earn or deserve. Like God’s grace, it is something that we simply receive as a gift. Including a humble request for forgiveness in your apology demonstrates that your desire is for reconciliation, that you really do want to return to a healthy relationship with the person you’ve hurt.
Fifth, any good apology will include a commitment to try not to repeat the offense. If you really do understand specifically what you have done wrong, if you really do acknowledge that it was you who did it, if you really do care that the other person was genuinely hurt by your actions, then you will show that by promising to try not to repeat the hurtful behavior.
Do notice that I say “try” not to repeat the behavior. We are all fallible and imperfect human beings. Despite our best intentions, we will still sometimes fail to live up to our best intentions. We should promise more than we can reasonably do. And really no reasonable person should expect that you will become suddenly infallible because in truth such a person understands that they themselves are not infallible.
In this situation, your genuine intention and your serious effort to avoid hurting them again is what matters most. If people recognize our genuine commitment and honest effort to do well, they will be much more able to tolerate and forgive our failures.
Apologizing is a truly important Christian skill, one that we all must learn well and practice without hesitation. In this life, we will all continue to struggle with our fallibility and tendency toward sin. That means that as long as we live in fellowship with others, we will regularly give ourselves the opportunity to practice this art of apologizing. Remember these steps:
- Be specific about what the hurtful behavior was.
- Accept personal responsibility for your actions or words.
- Acknowledge that you understand how the other person feels and affirm those feelings.
- Promise to try not to repeat the behavior.
There is a tendency to think of apologizing, forgiveness, forbearance, patience, humility, and other such behaviors as matters of mere politeness. But in the Bible, these things are seen as much more fundamental, really as matters of theology. They are the embodiment of the gospel of Jesus Christ. They are ways in which the followers of Jesus are meant to show Jesus to the world. All of these things are ways in which the doctrine of reconciliation, so central to the gospel, (2 Corinthians 5:18-20), becomes actual reconciliation. And doctrines that don’t become the actuality of the thing they describe are empty words and hollow ideas.
Apologizing in a form of repentance. To paraphrase John the apostle, if we will not repent before our brother or sister whom we have seen, how can we really repent before God, whom we have not seen? (1 John 4:20) Let’s be quick to practice repentance with one another.
In the wedding service that I use, there is a lovely prayer for the couple which applies as much to any relationship as it does to the marriage relationship. It is my prayer for us all.
“Give them grace, when they hurt each other, to recognize and acknowledge their fault and to seek each other’s forgiveness and yours. Amen.”
See also:
Quote of Note #15: Forgiveness and Freedom
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