Prayer Note #59: Fleeing My Inescapable God


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Photo by GAC

What savoriness sin has!
It is so hard to leave it alone,
Even when I know it for what it is.
I come back to it again and again.
But behind the savoriness,
There’s a coldness, a darkness.

Savoring my sin keeps me
Far from you, Lord.
I can’t savor my sin
In your presence.
The very act of savoring sin
Requires distance from you.

That’s when I notice the coldness,
The darkness.
Being far from you
Is a place of vulnerability
Undeniable,
A place of oppressive anxiety.

Oppressive anxiety makes
Fertile ground
Both for my own imagination
And for the devils.
The tangled circumstances of this troubled life
Fertilize that anxious soil.

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Teasel against a Gray Sky; photo by GAC

Soil for noxious weeds to grow in,
Dreadful imaginings!
Possible and impossible,
Plausible and implausible,
Gnawing thoughts!
Immune to reason.

To savor my sin,
I’ve separated myself from you.
I feel vulnerable
And exposed
To dangers in a world
So much bigger than me.

Sin,
Vulnerability,
Fear,
I cycle round,
I spiral down.
No escape?

You whisper to me.
You are still near!
You remind me
That feeling afraid does not
Mean
That I am actually in danger.

You remind me
That my feeling that
I am far from you
Does not
Mean
That you are far from me.

Though my sin
Has led me to
Abandon you,
My sin has not
Led you to
Abandon me.

I am the lamb that has
Strayed in the wilderness,
But the Shepherd
Has followed me there.
And, See!
He is near at hand.

Open my eyes,
Savior of my life.
Pick me up.
Hold me close.
Carry me back.
Show me my rest
In you.

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Photo by GAC

© 2019 Gary A. Chorpenning; all rights reserved.

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