Prayer Note #63: Only in Jesus

So much of the time, Lord, I am utterly absurd and ridiculous in my own eyes.  I don’t see myself as other people see me.  I see what is unseen by others.  I see what goes on in my mind.  I see what I do when no one else is watching.  I know the foolishness that is me when I am not constrained by the watchful eyes of others.

It is a chilling realization that you see everything that I see.  Before you, there is no secret part of me.  My life is wide open before you.  You see all the shameful, foolish, sinful things that I do and think.  In those times, I pretend that you don’t see—or worse, I pretend that you aren’t even there.  But nothing that I do or think is known only to me alone.  All of it is known by you in all its intimate and humiliating detail.

I know that I need to meditate on that fact.  I need to make that reality a constant part of my conscious thought, if I am ever to grow toward the holiness and Christlikeness that you want for me—that I want for myself.

But don’t let this lead me to be afraid of you.  Don’t let me come to see you as one who lurks ominously in the shadows spying on me, looking for an opportunity and justification to catch me out, to strike me down, to snare me in a trap.  You are Jesus who searches for the lost sheep.  You are Jesus who came to seek and to save the lost.  I am lost.  I can only hope in you.

I know this truth:  my peace can only be found in you.  None of my own efforts can ultimately secure that peace.  Only you can do that for me.  I cannot find my peace and rest by relying on my own efforts.  They always bend into self-defeat.  I am only at peace in the strong, gracious, persistent, patient arms of Jesus.  Only, Jesus, can carry me out of this wilderness.